I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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