I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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