Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Randomize
