Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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