I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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