My underwear smells like fireworks.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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