I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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