why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
this boner is exhausting
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
