i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Can Purell be used as lube?
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
