omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
