my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
