apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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