I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize