so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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