Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize