i just had sex bonerless
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize