Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
