Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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