is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
