i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
