i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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