My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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