apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
