is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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