Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
