I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
