oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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