Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
