Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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