im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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