Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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