I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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