I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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