sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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