Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
