btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
