btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Randomize
