I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
