Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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