he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
