Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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