i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
