lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Randomize
