im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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