my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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