Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
