Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
