Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
