On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
