He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize