You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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