I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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