saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
