I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm just crazy horny about you
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
