his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
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